


In Dreams

by Lisa Martin (LisaM)



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:14:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26621230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LisaM/pseuds/Lisa%20Martin
Summary: Companion piece to "Nocturnal thoughts'. Told from Xander's POV
Relationships: Xander Harris/Spike
Comments: 1
Kudos: 18





	In Dreams

Walking into what used to be my home (okay, I live in the basement of said home, but it is my own apartment!), I immediately noticed the quietness. Not strained silence, that I had encountered many, many times before. It was usually a sign to watch my steps. And my face. No, it was a pleasant silence, like you’re walking into a house when the inhabitants are away, but could come home any minute and fill the place with sounds. Pleasant sounds, like laughter. Not that I ever experienced that in my lifetime, so it was no wonder I noticed it.  
When I come home I sneak to the entrance of the basement, run in as quickly as I can, close the door and bolt it. Not that night. I remained in the hallway, looking around, enjoying the atmosphere. Knowing it wouldn’t last long. At some point I even wanted to go up the stairs to my old room, but I stopped myself at the bottom of the stairs. No use in tempting fate.  
I sauntered to the basement entrance, opened the door, turned around once more to breath in the air of that eerily quiet home and went in. Expecting my illusion to shatter as soon as I showed my face. There is nothing more devastating to dreams and fantasies then a roommate who’s grumpy, annoying and taunts you every chance he gets.  
My mouth was already open to send a snappy reply his way, but all that met me was silence. Again. Blissful silence. I shed my work shirt, gathered up some reasonably clean clothes from the hamper and headed for the shower. I took my time, showering so long that the hot water ran out. That used to make me nervous, knowing that the repercussions would follow, usually in the form of belt shaped bruises on my back. Not this time. For some strange reason I wasn’t afraid, felt invincible even. It was then I became convinced it was a dream, it had to be. Reality never was this good. Dressing quickly, I decided to go outside, take a stroll. Since this was a dream, nothing could harm me, right?  
And nothing did. I walked along the deserted streets, wondering why everyone stayed inside. It was a beautiful evening, not too warm, with a gentle breeze; the perfect evening. People should be outside, sitting in their gardens, enjoying the nice weather. Granted, this was Sunnydale, Hellmouth city and you just didn’t do these kind of things, but hey, this was a dream, so why the hell not?? It bothered me a little, but not so much that I let it spoil my mood.  
I ended up on the beach. It had been a while since I’d been there, not since the swim team party. A shiver ran down my spine when I thought about that adventure. Still checking the mirror every morning to be sure there weren’t any scales growing on my face.  
After walking along the shore for a while, I flopped down on the sand. Resting on my elbows I gazed at the stars. Will, Jesse and me used to do that when we were kids, fantasizing that would fly to one of those stars when we grew up. Of course, by the time we were ten, Willow knew all the names of the stars by heart and never got tired of pointing them out to us. Jesse and me then came up with different names. The memory made me smile, it was a good one.  
Gazing upwards, I let more memories surface. Funny, it were all good ones. Dream!, my mind told me sternly. I nodded to myself, of course. A dream that I never wanted to end.  
A sound broke the illusion. I gazed around me, senses on full alert. I knew first hand how easily a wonderful dream could turn into a nightmare (and not only while I was sleeping). To my surprise I saw a figure sitting about 20 ft away from me. I hadn’t noticed anyone else was here. A small glowing point of light caught my attention. It was right in front of the figure’s face. It took about ten seconds for my brain to come up with the solution, a cigarette. I let out a nervous giggle, causing the figure to turn to me.  
“’ey pet.”  
Oh this was great, this was just fucking great! I was having the dream of a lifetime and he shows up?? “Spike,” I said, with as much acid in my voice as I could manage. “What are you doing here?”  
“Enjoying the stars, just like you.”  
That was an answer I did not expect, so I didn’t have a reply ready. He rose to his feet and walked up to me. I fully expected him to walk past me, deliver another one of his oh so funny comments and leave me alone. Then again, this was a dream, so being sucked dry was definitely another option. I preferred the first one.  
“Thinking of old times, eh?” He sat down next to me. Confusion ruled for a moment, then anger took over.  
“Who gave you permission to sit here??”  
“I did. Free country mate, I can sit wherever I like.” Something was off. His remark didn’t cause the annoyance it always did. I stared at him trying to determine what it was that made it different. He met my eyes and smiled, a sad weary smile. Our eyes held for a moment, then he gazed upwards, taking a long drag from his cigarette. “I really hate those bloody stars.”  
Then it hit me. His tone didn’t hold the venom I had gotten used to, if anything it sounded sad. “Why?” I asked, bracing myself the moment the word left my mouth. You didn’t ask Spike things like that, not in a dream and certainly not in the waking world. Not if you valued your life. Or your sanity.  
“It’s her birthday, you know. Her birthday and for the first time in almost a century I haven’t got a clue where she is.”  
Drusilla, stars, my mind made the connection quicker than I expected. I dared looking at him and what I saw then made my breath catch in my throat. The pale moonlight shone on his face and for the first time I saw his age. Not the age he looked like normally, but this was the face of someone who had lived well over a century. It were the eyes that told me mostly, although barely visible in this pale light, I saw the weariness that such a long life can cause.  
“You still love her?” My mind was definitely suffering during this dream, nothing on earth would have made me ask that if wanted to live another hour.  
“Yeah.” But again I reminded myself, this was a dream after all. “We were together for nearly a hundred years, not something you forget about so easily.”  
“Guess not.”  
Silence fell, each of us wrapped up in our own thoughts. I remembered clearly how hurt I felt when Cordy left me, even though it was my own fault. And we were only together for eight months or so.  
“Stinkin’ bitch!” Now this was the Spike I knew, yelling and cursing at the world. He flicked his cigarette away, sparks of yellow orange light flashing up briefly then dying.  
“You want her back?” I dared.  
“No, not anymore. She had her chance, she blew it.”  
Somehow I knew this wasn’t the whole truth. Feeling unusually courageous I told him just that. “You’re lying.”  
“No mate, I’m sitting. God, your stupid sense of humor is affecting me!”  
“If I’m annoying you, feel free to leave.” Yep, I was insulted.  
He glanced at me and cracked a grin. “Nah.”  
And we were back on an old familiar path. He’ll tease the hell out of me, I answer back and the whole thing starts all over again. But this time I wasn’t going to let it come to that. “You haven’t answered my question.”  
“I wasn’t aware you asked me one.”  
“Let me rephrase. Why are you lying?” No, Xander Harris wasn’t that easy to get rid of.  
He stared out over the sea for a long time. “Because it hurts less,” he finally said.  
I understood. All too well. If I would write down the little lies I had told myself I could fill an entire encyclopedia. “I can see that.”  
Again he glanced at me. “Yeah, I think you can.” That stumped me and good. Spike agreeing with me? He smiled. “Do you think I don’t know what’s going on? You may fool that lot you hang out with, but not me. I live there too, remember?”  
I remembered, oh did I remember. A cold chill made me shiver and I knew it wasn’t because the temperature suddenly dropped a few degrees. Realizing that he knew about the things that were going on at my home wasn’t doing wonders for my sanity. I had kept it from everyone else, didn’t want their pity. And what’s more, I certainly didn’t want his! “Yeah well, forget about it!” I spat.  
“Can’t.”  
“What??”  
“Reminds me.”  
Things were clicking in place so fast, my head was starting to spin. “You too?”  
“Yeah pet, me too.” Again that sadness in his voice. Old pain, old but not forgotten.  
All of a sudden I felt the urge, no the need, to get closer. Reaching up, I touched his shoulder. Without hesitation he laid his arm around my shoulders and with a sigh I relaxed into that half embrace. Feeling safe.  
“Ah pet,” I heard him softly say. “Why should I want Dru back? I got you now.”

Darkness. Foul smell. My basement. Dream’s over. I sigh, it was nice. A shiver crawls up my spine, I’m being watched. My eyes search the dark room. Black clothes, white blond hair. Spike. Spike???  
“Spike, what the fuck are you doing here??”


End file.
